March 8, 2023

Superintendent Jeff Mow Dave Romer (Roamer?)
Headquarters
Glacier National Park, MT 599…something something

Dear Dave,
After much deliberation with friends, family and trusted advisors, I would like to take this opportunity to formally declare my candidacy to become the newest concessionaire in Glacier National Park.
I have worked in the service industry in, around, or near GNP for 14ish years. After helping tourists out of many perilous situations—rushing rapids, eating at Glacier Grille, the back of the Ride Guy’s vehicle, etc.—all while being tipped at a consistent five percent, I believe I have decent insight into what these people are looking for. I mean, I often don’t know what they’re talking about and if I’m being honest, I’m usually only half paying attention, but a lot of the time it’s easy because they’re all just asking the same things
over and over:

“Where do we go to see bears?”
“What’s the deal with these huckleberries?”
“Why is there no parking?”
“What do you do in real life?”

I literally don’t know the answer to any of those questions.

I do, however know the answer to their new favorite query:
“Where do we go to see the rocks?”

This was confusing the first time. Rocks? Uh, everywhere, amirite? But my blank stare did not deter them.
“The colorful rocks in the water?”
Cue the inspirational music. Cue the epiphanic lightning bolt.
Instagram. Geotagging. Apgar.

I answer that question every day. Why do thousands of people want to come to the same lake, stand in the same spot, and take the same photo as everyone else? I don’t know, but I’m telling you: they do. I’m sure some of them are aware that there are other lakes as well as alpine meadows, 500-year-old cedar trees, waterfalls, and crazy geologic formations, but day after day, all summer long, I’m sending caravans of people out there to do nothing more than stare at a 3-inch screen pointed straight at the ground.
What I’m saying is, Dave, I have experience with “the rocks.”

Glacier National Park ”See The Rocks” Scenic Photo Spot Business Overview
(Or GNP “STR” SPS BO for short)

Stewardship: I believe I read somewhere in one of the local rags—no doubt between a real estate ad and a lunatic ranting to Kellyn Brown about chemtrails— that I have to submit an environmental impact statement. Here is my statement: We will be a Really Green BusinessTM.

1. I have a foldable chaise lounge I’ll haul to the lake. Our guests will never touch the water. Zero DEET, Tough Actin’ Tinactin or Banana Boat SPF 15 sheen in Lake McD. But also, they won’t have to worry about taking off their flip flops and socks and getting their feet wet in the crystal clear mountain water. A win-win for non-interaction between our guests and the natural environment.
2. I have a cousin Jamie who works (or worked?) at Casey’s. Don’t know what’s going on there, but if he can get in the basement (a dicey proposal, I know) they probably have some velvet ropes or some sort of straps down there. We’ll just block off the shore, preserving the much-clamored-for, Insta-perfect rock distribution and rainbow aesthetics.
3. My Subaru has been lurching whenever I get up around 40 mph, so I’ll probably be biking from my place of residence. (Which is technically my Subaru. So that might qualify as a tiny home and be either Green or Green Adjacent)
4. Pricing: I will provide the most economical Glacier National Park experience, except for, obviously, all the free natural beauty, grandeur and exercise. I will offer three simple packages:

1. “The Rocks Regular” – $7
Tourists go out to end of foldable chaise lounge and take one, maybe two, pictures of rocks in the water.
2. “The Rocks and Then Some” – $9
Tourists go out to end of foldable chaise lounge and take one, maybe two, pictures that can include some (maybe all?) mountains as seen from lake.
(Note: Although it departs from “the rocks” niche we are cultivating, I’m unsure how to enforce a “no mountains” policy. If you have a mechanism, I’m all ears.)
3. “Hold Onto Your Pants Rocks Shot” – $12
Tourists go out to end of foldable chaise lounge and I hold them by a belt loop and shade them with a parasol as they stretch out over the water, giving them feet-free, shadow-free Instagram perfection. It will be like they were never even there.
Time limit: 45 seconds. All you can shoot. I’ve already purchased a weight belt at Flathead Industries. Employee safety is a priority.

Anywho, that’s the whole shebang. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to providing a one-of-a-kind experience—modeled off thousands of the same experience, modeled off a single enhanced and filtered photo—to the visitors of Glacier National Park. Honestly, simply being able to get inside the park again would be cool. Starting a business seems easier than navigating the whole vehicle reservation process when/if the Suby ever stops the chugging.

Sincerely yours,

Ian Apgar
Spot #5, Green Subaru (no roof rack), Huckle-Bear-EEE! RV Park, Coram, MT
(406) THA ROXX (842-7699)

(LOL. No, a different Apgar. Believe me if that was the case I’d already have built a hot tub/sauna/infinity pool, pouring itself into McDonald Creek. Ask for forgiveness not permission, right, Dave?